Wondering
by Bikutoria
Summary: [Complete] Kagome feels the weight of her decision to stay by Inu-Yasha’s side. An introspective one-shot.


[Disclaimer: You know the drill.  I do not own Inu-Yasha & co. or Good Charlotte's song "Wondering."  So pretty please, do not sue me.  All you would be able to get is this bottle of Rimmel nail polish I have, anyway. ]

~+~

**Wondering**

Kagome kept her eyes shut, allowing the reddish light behind her lids to permeate her sleep-fogged mind.  She did not want to wake up quite yet…she might as well enjoy the cozy comfort of her sleeping bag until Inu-Yasha began shouting at her to be getting a move-on.

Suddenly her blue-gray eyes shot open in a look of disbelief; if the sun had already risen, why was Inu-Yasha not already making a ruckus, clamoring for breakfast and "encouraging" them to start the long day's hike the group had ahead of them?  Kagome sat up gingerly, testing her sore muscles as she looked around the camp.  Sango was quietly gathering the breakfast supplies, Miroku was packing up their belongings, Kirara and Shippo were still napping together at the base of the tree Inu-Yasha had claimed as his the night before…  Kagome's gaze drifted upward, and saw that the lowest branch was missing one particular silver-haired hanyou.

Kagome sighed the slightest of sighs before she could catch herself, not allowing herself to look directly at the taijiya and houshi.  

Sango stopped her progress on breakfast, looking at her friend with concern.  She began, "Kagome-chan…"

The young girl from the future bit her lip; the trepidation she heard in Sango's voice confirmed her own suspicions.  Inu-Yasha would not leave the camp without letting anyone know about his intentions, unless his intention was the one that none of the group wanted to hear about.

Miroku continued for the taijiya in a somewhat weary voice, "He was already gone when we woke up."

Kagome expanded her senses; yes, she could felt the faint kehai of a shard of the Shikon no Tama moving away.  Apparently, Kikyo had managed to procure another shard in her travels since the last time they had met up with her.  And now she was back, again…and Inu-Yasha had gone to her, again.

Her traveling companions watched cautiously as the girl smiled faintly to herself before shaking her head, as though the physical act to cast aside whatever thoughts she was having.  As Kagome began her typical morning routine, Miroku and Sango went back to their own business.  Unsure of what to say at such a time, they wisely decided to remain quiet.

_If you want me to wait_

_I would wait for you_

Kagome felt the weight of her decision on her shoulders whenever Inu-Yasha was with Kikyo, whether it be a physical or emotional departure.  

_If you tell me to stay  
I would stay right through_

The tortured look he would get in his eyes when reminded of the dead miko produced a similar sort of pain in Kagome's heart.

_If you don't wanna say  
Anything at all_

Kagome forced herself to remember…

_I'm happy wondering_

…that this was her choice._  
  
_

_Go!  
  
_

Kagome shook herself out of her reverie long enough to give Sango what she hoped was a reassuring smile.  She then turned her back to her traveling companions under the guise of gathering her possessions, allowing time for her mind to drift to the past.

_Yeah, yeah  
  
_

Inu-Yasha promised to protect Kikyo, leaving his relationship with Kagome at odds.  After she had gathered up the courage to return through the well, Kagome began by simply pointing out her original belief that she had no place in Sengoku Jidai with the revelation of Inu-Yasha's promise.  

_Since I was a young man  
I never was a FUN MAN_

_I never had a plan and no security then_

He had promptly spoken the truth she had already known; Inu-Yasha felt that he had no right to such simple happiness because of Kikyo.  Kikyo had died following after him.  His life belonged to the woman of clay and earth.

_Ever since I met you  
I never could forget you  
I only wanna get you right here next to me  
_But he had also let Kagome know a little about what he felt for herself. 

_Cause everybody (a-whoa-oh-oh)_

Inu-Yasha had not been able to trust anyone until Kagome.

_Needs someone that they can trust in_

Her loyalty and concern for him affected him.

_And you're somebody (a-whoa-oh-oh)_

He not only liked having her by him, it even had a calming effect.

_That I found just in time  
  
_

Whenever Kagome felt the weight of her decision to stay by him weigh on her, she reminded herself of these small omissions Inu-Yasha had given her; these little glimpses into his heart were what kept her going.  But everyone has a breaking point…

_If you want me to wait  
I would wait for you_

But she chose to wait.

_If you tell me to stay  
I would stay right through_

And she chose to stay.

_If you don't wanna say  
Anything at all_

The happy times sustained her…

_I'm happy wondering_

…while she settled with being happy wondering._  
  
_

_Now my life is changing_

_It's always rearranging_

Kagome snorted softly to herself as she busied herself with folding her bedding, reminded of the dark humor of the situation.  Who would have ever thought this 15 year old girl from modern Tokyo would be traipsing around the Warring States Era trying to piece together a magical jewel that she herself had broken in the first place while caught in a love triangle with an inuhanyou and her previous life's murderous incarnation?  

_Always gettin' stranger than I thought it ever could_

Even more odd was how comfortable she was with the situation.  She wrinkled her nose as she changed that thought around, realizing that being "comfortable" with the situation was misleading.  But then she supposed that most other girls put in her situation might never have come back a second time, despite Inu-Yasha's insistent badgering about that hair demon…

_Ever since I found you  
I wanna be around you  
I wanna get down to the point that I need you  
  
_

Even the first time she had met him after she had accidentally unsealed him, Kagome could not believe he might be the bad guy.  __

_Cause everybody (a-whoa-oh-oh)  
Needs someone that they can trust in_

Her innate trust in the hanyou had proved unshakeable over the passing adventures.__

_And you're somebody (a-whoa-oh-oh)  
That I found just in time_

She was at ease with him, and could not even remember at what point she began looking forward to her trips back in time that she had been taking for so many months now.

_If you want me to wait  
I would wait for you_

But she knew she loved him.

_If you tell me to stay  
I would stay right through_

She loved him enough to not have him…

_If you don't wanna say  
Anything at all_

_…to be happy with what little she could have._

_I'm happy wondering_

Kagome blinked, the only outward indication of all the conflicting thoughts that had been racing through her mind in the few minutes that had passed since she had woken up._  
  
_

_Go!  
  
_

Kagome's head snapped up as she heard a noise in the direction the kehai of the Shikon shard had been.

_Yeah, yeah  
Yeah, yeah  
  
_

She heard the slight rustling of the grass that signaled the arrival of the much anticipated hanyou at the same moment as her fellow human traveling companions.  In that instant, Kagome felt the familiar tension in her shoulders as all the doubts she had been working so hard to push down came flooding into her consciousness. 

_Don't tell me  
The bad news_

Was today going to be the day Inu-Yasha officially chose Kikyo?  She imagined Kikyo taking over her duties as the "Shard Detector," rendering Kagome without the place and purpose she had become accustomed to in Sengoku Judai.  Would Inu-Yasha be leaving the group?  

Would he be leaving Kagome?

_Don't tell me anything at all_

Kagome knew that whatever Inu-Yasha could say would do damage.  She understood the bond between himself and Kikyo, formed by Naraku's manipulation fifty years earlier.  Kagome held no illusions about that bond breaking simply because of her.

_Just tell me  
That you need me  
And stay right here with me_

She could choose to question him relentlessly about where he had disappeared off to.  She could choose to pout and set her mouth in a tight line, the physical manifestation of that aching in her chest.  She could choose to go about her business as though nothing were out of place.

_If you want me to wait  
I would wait for you_

She chose to wait.  _  
  
_

_If you tell me to stay  
I would stay right through_

She chose to stay.  _  
  
_

_If you don't wanna say  
Anything at all  
I'm happy wondering_

She chose to be happy wondering.

With this decision, Kagome relaxed her shoulders while lifting her head.  She was unaware of the concerned glances Miroku and Sango were sharing with each other over their friend's circumstances, and similarly unaware of the childlike frustration building up in the kitsune who knew better than to voice his opinions at a time like this.  Kagome was, however, aware of the boy before her.  She drank in the site of him, standing in a defensive position, his red hakama-clad legs spread slightly.  The early morning light filtering through the trees cast a warm orange glow on his tan skin and fair hair.  The nervous look on his face, torn between anguish and responsibility.

She smiled.

The boy before her jerked back in the slightest of movements.  Her smile was genuine.  It was not without pain, but it also did not hold the falseness of some of her past pseudo-smiles; the smiles she forced for the sakes of others.  

Kagome stepped forward, an instinctual reaction; she wanted to comfort Inu-Yasha, who was so obviously (to her own eyes, at least) startled.  When he made no attempt to back away further, she lifted a hand to his forearm and laid it against his sun-kissed skin in a comforting gesture.  Traditional greetings were unnecessary; their actions were speaking volumes.  The smile still on her face, she allowed her thoughts to come together as she decided what to say.

_If you want me to wait  
I would wait for you_

She looked into his eyes and was astonished to see her own doubts mirrored in his countenance.  She could see the knowledge in his eyes, that, for now, they still had a job to do and nothing could be resolved until Naraku's death and the completion of the Shikon no Tama…

_If you tell me to stay  
I would stay right through_

And then she could see the deeper wondering in his eyes, about the pain he must be causing her…

_If you don't wanna say  
Anything at all_

…and the possibility that she might one day leave and not come back…

_I'm happy wondering___

Now she knew that Inu-Yasha's heart held the same uncertainties and fears as her own.  Kagome understood that the feelings she read in his face were all he was able to share with her.  And it was enough.  

She chose to simply say, "I'm here."

~+~

[A/N:  Whoa.  That turned out a bit more angst-y than I meant for it to.  Oops.  But I hope you all come out of it at the end feelings at least a little hopeful… And those memories of Kagome's?  Yup, they happened in Volume 18 of the manga.  I paraphrased and sometimes outright copied those memories because I did not want to do the whole cheesy "Flashback" thing.  Anyway, I realize that there is basically no action OR dialogue OR plot in this little one-shot songfic of mine.  It's intentional.  It's basically supposed to be an introspective look into Kagome's conflicting feelings.  And in case it wasn't clear, in the end our little Kag-meister realized that Inu-Yasha was in the same (basic) precarious situation as herself – he was wondering about things, also.  They both understand that if they talk about things, then the situation might change, and not for the better.  So, instead, they wait, and they wonder.  sigh 

Anyway, this was a new sort of challenge for me to write – getting into a character's mind and no dialogue or action have not been my style of the past.  Also, I have no idea why the formatting turned out so odd here at FF.net – I tried fixing it, but so far it's not cooperating.  I'm toying with the idea of doing a rewrite of it; but it will depend on what all you readers think.  So please review and let me know how it reads!]

[Shameless Plug of the Day:  Rosefire's _Bottled Genius_.  Now, I'm a fan of all Rosefire's works, but when I first read the summary for this fic, I thought _Um, a genie and a dead chick?  Eh…_  But then I sat my butt down and actually read it, and now I am eagerly anticipating the next chapter.  I swear, the occasional romantic tension Rosefire allows in this fic can be so sizzling, you just want to scream!  Well, I want to scream in frustration, at any rate.  **Read it!** ]


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